I've become great at pretending. I've mastered the art of make believe. I make them believe everything is cool. Yet, my insides are burning with unspoken fears. My eyes are beginning to sting from these unshed tears, while voices repeat in my ear, "See, I told you. You never belonged here."
My feet introduced themselves to my heart last night. For I watched a little girl pull out a chair just like the big people did. Waiting for someone to show her how to twerk that, murk that, work that ass just like the other girls did. It's fun, you see. It's how we show love. " See ma! See how they show me love while he holds me in between his thighs." No 1, 2 step just SEX, SEX, SEX! C'mon you can do it. Just make him fall in love with the booty meat and not the beautiful mind no one ever cares about.
I felt I was in my own live explicit shooting. Yet, this was the youth edition starring Grade A Bastards and Perverted Men. Their chairs were lined side by side waiting to feed their sexual pleasures. Ready to see plump, round backsides excite their maturing testosterone. Everything in me wants nothing of it. Half of my mind is left with the young boy in the corner forced to accept lap dances and crotch grinds to become a man, or so says his mentors of slurred speech and dime store liquor scented breath. The other half is with the watchful little girl who believes this is how she gets boys to like her. It's that "You gotta use what you got to get what you want mentality," that's mentally impairing our babies. Our babies who may never know love outside a club, or what it's like to be appreciated for who you are and not what you carry.
I dragged my heart home last night. It was left in a deep state of misunderstanding. We never could decipher all that we absorbed. So, I prayed.
I asked God to send the rain for a brighter sunshine. We'll find where we belong...eventually.
P.S.-
Dear babygirl with the big, bright eyes who stood by me the entire time,
Find someone who holds your hands through the dark.
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