( A draft I had saved from Christmas break. I can still feel this.)
It was true. I miss you everyday. Like clockwork. Even now. When you said you'd call later. And you've most likely fallen asleep on me. It's okay. I still love you. Yeah...I really do.......Oh, boy....
Monday, December 19, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
different now
his face. his voice. that one message i've replayed and re saved for the past week was all i needed to hear. it was more than enough to deepen the creases of my smile. then you said it. those words I usually run from. yet, from your lips they flowed unadulterated and effortless. as unexpectedly as it came, i needed this love present in my life. your love. you've restored my faith in its meaning, and the ability to keep loving when all the wrong in the world seems to take power. don't mistake my timidity for rejection. or even think for one second i don't feel the same way you do. my appreciation for your spirit became too overwhelming for the moment, and my heart couldn't articulate its words. but i felt them. unlike i've ever felt before. i need your heart right now. unlike anything i've ever needed before. so, i'll regard things differently this time around. just whatever you do, please don't let me down.
everything i thought i knew has changed...is changing.
everything i thought i knew has changed...is changing.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
one thing at a time.
finish this book.
stop worrying. it isn't necessary. things WILL work out.
faith, remember?
SMILE!
cherish today. and tomorrow.
stop worrying. it isn't necessary. things WILL work out.
faith, remember?
SMILE!
cherish today. and tomorrow.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
It's official.
Math 107 is going to keep me up all night. No sleep for me.
Oh, well...only 2 more hours of my life shall be spent in that class.
Oh, well...only 2 more hours of my life shall be spent in that class.
So, just in case you were wondering...
The WE I mentioned in the start of this blog is no longer. WE had to let go. At times, I miss it, but it wasn't meant to be. I wanted it too much rather than letting it flow. Thanks to US, I learned of a new kind of happy. The kind where I'm in control. I learned to do me by any means necessary.
And by doing so...
I found a new WE in which I find solace. :)
And by doing so...
I found a new WE in which I find solace. :)
I worry too much....
I even annoy myself with it. I just can't help it. How on does an English major get a B-....in English? *Le sigh* But...I shall not worry. It's not completely over yet. There's time... and hope...and prayer. Things WILL be okay.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Yarn Braids
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
"Currently depending on heaven to make sense of this earth." - Rev. Run
I've become great at pretending. I've mastered the art of make believe. I make them believe everything is cool. Yet, my insides are burning with unspoken fears. My eyes are beginning to sting from these unshed tears, while voices repeat in my ear, "See, I told you. You never belonged here."
My feet introduced themselves to my heart last night. For I watched a little girl pull out a chair just like the big people did. Waiting for someone to show her how to twerk that, murk that, work that ass just like the other girls did. It's fun, you see. It's how we show love. " See ma! See how they show me love while he holds me in between his thighs." No 1, 2 step just SEX, SEX, SEX! C'mon you can do it. Just make him fall in love with the booty meat and not the beautiful mind no one ever cares about.
I felt I was in my own live explicit shooting. Yet, this was the youth edition starring Grade A Bastards and Perverted Men. Their chairs were lined side by side waiting to feed their sexual pleasures. Ready to see plump, round backsides excite their maturing testosterone. Everything in me wants nothing of it. Half of my mind is left with the young boy in the corner forced to accept lap dances and crotch grinds to become a man, or so says his mentors of slurred speech and dime store liquor scented breath. The other half is with the watchful little girl who believes this is how she gets boys to like her. It's that "You gotta use what you got to get what you want mentality," that's mentally impairing our babies. Our babies who may never know love outside a club, or what it's like to be appreciated for who you are and not what you carry.
I dragged my heart home last night. It was left in a deep state of misunderstanding. We never could decipher all that we absorbed. So, I prayed.
I asked God to send the rain for a brighter sunshine. We'll find where we belong...eventually.
P.S.-
Dear babygirl with the big, bright eyes who stood by me the entire time,
Find someone who holds your hands through the dark.
My feet introduced themselves to my heart last night. For I watched a little girl pull out a chair just like the big people did. Waiting for someone to show her how to twerk that, murk that, work that ass just like the other girls did. It's fun, you see. It's how we show love. " See ma! See how they show me love while he holds me in between his thighs." No 1, 2 step just SEX, SEX, SEX! C'mon you can do it. Just make him fall in love with the booty meat and not the beautiful mind no one ever cares about.
I felt I was in my own live explicit shooting. Yet, this was the youth edition starring Grade A Bastards and Perverted Men. Their chairs were lined side by side waiting to feed their sexual pleasures. Ready to see plump, round backsides excite their maturing testosterone. Everything in me wants nothing of it. Half of my mind is left with the young boy in the corner forced to accept lap dances and crotch grinds to become a man, or so says his mentors of slurred speech and dime store liquor scented breath. The other half is with the watchful little girl who believes this is how she gets boys to like her. It's that "You gotta use what you got to get what you want mentality," that's mentally impairing our babies. Our babies who may never know love outside a club, or what it's like to be appreciated for who you are and not what you carry.
I dragged my heart home last night. It was left in a deep state of misunderstanding. We never could decipher all that we absorbed. So, I prayed.
I asked God to send the rain for a brighter sunshine. We'll find where we belong...eventually.
P.S.-
Dear babygirl with the big, bright eyes who stood by me the entire time,
Find someone who holds your hands through the dark.
Friday, August 5, 2011
I really really really really really really really REALLY HATE when I lose things!!!!!
Turquoise stone, where art thou? Come back to me! Please....
Thursday, August 4, 2011
"All I want is to live my life, be free, stay fly."
Teedra Moses is my girl! I have had Royal Patience on replay all day today.
Back in the Day...
I used to love this guy to death. From his rhythmic flow to suave good looks, he was everything I desired in a girlhood crush. He seemed so driven. So motivated. Even then, I was attracted to more than physicality in the opposite sex. I remember drawing hearts around his face in my Word Up! magazine. Now, years later I can still get that same shiver in my spine when I hear him bust a freestyle. He seems to give the listeners his heart and soul in every lyric. Raw talent isn't common nowadays. I'm quite sure he'll never read this, but if the stars align in an unusual manner tomorrow night and your eyes happen to digest these words, know I appreciate your honesty as an artist. Please, don't get sucked into the foolery of mass media. I heard how it can leave one cold when their backs turn. It takes guts to be who you are amongst a world of clones. Be you, Jinsu....be you.
I am and forever will be a fan of Young Jinsu!
I am and forever will be a fan of Young Jinsu!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I have to admit...
I love it when he plays in my kinky,curly fro. Or tell me how much he loves my hair
Better Late Than Never
So, my dad decided to give me a pocket knife. Our plans to go to the gun range were put on hold, because my brother fell ill. I hope he's doing alright. The little booger gets on my nerves at times, but I love him to death. I actually got to spend quality time with my dad this weekend. I usually have to share time with his wife, 4 other kids, and random people that are always around. I never realized how much I missed him. Us. Before,everything changed. I was her again. That little girl who ran from the master bedroom to the living room upon the shaky floor to tell daddy it was time for church. "Mama, says we have to go." I was the little girl he held in his lap to keep quiet. Yeah, I missed her, too.I just needed to see her once. Just to make sure we didn't forget. The reunion was long overdue.
_________________________________________________________________
I finally took my senior cap and gown pictures. I'm hella late. I know. Better late than never,right? Of course!
I think they are going to turn out well. I did a quick hairstyle with twists in the front and the rest of my hair in a ponytail. I can't wait to see what they look like! :)
_________________________________________________________________
11 DAYS LEFT! Things are getting too real right now! Talking to my roomie love/cosmic sister/Theo made me 10X more excited!!!! (P.S.-Feel better, girlie!) ATL here we come!
________________________________________________________________
A few more hundred words left of this essay, and I can move on to summer reading and french studying! I actually get excited about doing that. Weirdo. So what!
_________________________________________________________________
I finally took my senior cap and gown pictures. I'm hella late. I know. Better late than never,right? Of course!
I think they are going to turn out well. I did a quick hairstyle with twists in the front and the rest of my hair in a ponytail. I can't wait to see what they look like! :)
_________________________________________________________________
11 DAYS LEFT! Things are getting too real right now! Talking to my roomie love/cosmic sister/Theo made me 10X more excited!!!! (P.S.-Feel better, girlie!) ATL here we come!
________________________________________________________________
A few more hundred words left of this essay, and I can move on to summer reading and french studying! I actually get excited about doing that. Weirdo. So what!
Monday, August 1, 2011
"I just need time to see where I wanna be."
Apparently, I write and think better when I'm sitting on my bedroom floor playing Donell Jones.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Skin Deep
For as long as I can remember, I've always had an issue with acne. I've tried just about every product from every store. Many seemed to work for the moment. Then, after a month...POOF! Nothing. This exact situation has happened more than I can keep count. Due to my many acne scars and hyper-pigmentation, I used to be so self-conscious of my skin. I never looked at people when I spoke to them. I never liked to wear harstyles that showed my face. I was in a constant battle with my acne, and it seemed as if I never won. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, but it's nothing like before. It has improved tremendously. I still have those stubborn blemishes that just do not seem to budge. I still have breakouts, especially during my menstrual cycle. My skin is nowhere near flawless, but it's getting there. My journey to clear skin is not to seem beautiful to anyone else. I want to prove to myself that this long-term battle can be won. I want to settle the score, and prove that I can achieve clear,healthy skin. I grew up believing I and my skin were abnormal. When in fact, all I had to do was pay close attention to what my skin needed. I'm still figuring it out, but I've come a long way. I still have a ways to go.
My Current Regimen:
1. Clean & Clear Advantage Kit
-Since, I began use of this product around three weeks ago my breakouts have occurred at a lower rate. If so, they are never as serious. I had a whitehead located on the skin between my eyes and it cleared within three days of using this product. My blemishes have decreased in size, as well. I have not been applying it as corrrectly as I should timewise, so I'm going to keep it in use until I see other reactions that deter me from doing so.
Morning Routine:
Night Routine:
-It works wonderfully at tightening my pores and making my skin soft. Once a week.
3. Homeade Honey & Ground Cinnamon Exfoliating Mask
-I use 1 1/2 spoonfuls of honey and as much ground cinnamon needed to make a dark pasty-like substance. I don't really go by precise measurements. It leaves my skin feeling really soft and with a smooth,clean texture. Once a week.
4. 100% Raw African Shea Butter
- Beware that this product can be a bit greasy, so you don't need to use much of it. It works well at moisturizing my skin and creating a more even skin tone. Daily.
________________________________________________________
This product is one that I plan on ordering today off Amazon. It's Raw African Shea Butter Black Soap from Ghana.
I have had my experiences with faux African Black Soaps that really didn't do much for my skin. I found this particular product from a review given by Jazzi McG . It's not as pretty packaged as other Black Soaps, but it seems to do its job. I've also heard nothing but rave reviews from different friends who use the more authentic Black Soaps. I'm going to give it one more try, and hopefully it's another staple I can add to my regimen. I won't be able to always have the Clean & Clear Advantage Kit at hand in college. Money will be tight. So, I'm trying to make sure I find staple items at reasonable prices. Plus, I'd love to use more natural methods. Although, commercial products aren't terrible. C&C has been working quite well. I just want to explore my options to create the perfect regimen for my skin. I will definitely make sure I come back with a review on the soap.
Au Revoir!
My Current Regimen:
1. Clean & Clear Advantage Kit
-Since, I began use of this product around three weeks ago my breakouts have occurred at a lower rate. If so, they are never as serious. I had a whitehead located on the skin between my eyes and it cleared within three days of using this product. My blemishes have decreased in size, as well. I have not been applying it as corrrectly as I should timewise, so I'm going to keep it in use until I see other reactions that deter me from doing so.
Morning Routine:
- Breakout Erasing Cleanser
- Daily Protecting Moisturizer SPF 15
- Mark Treatment-Salicylic Acid Acne Medication
Night Routine:
- Breakout Erasing Cleanser
- Nightly Mark Clearing Lotion-Salicylic Acid Acne Medication
- Mark Treatment-Salicylic Acid Acne Medication
-It works wonderfully at tightening my pores and making my skin soft. Once a week.
3. Homeade Honey & Ground Cinnamon Exfoliating Mask
-I use 1 1/2 spoonfuls of honey and as much ground cinnamon needed to make a dark pasty-like substance. I don't really go by precise measurements. It leaves my skin feeling really soft and with a smooth,clean texture. Once a week.
4. 100% Raw African Shea Butter
- Beware that this product can be a bit greasy, so you don't need to use much of it. It works well at moisturizing my skin and creating a more even skin tone. Daily.
________________________________________________________
This product is one that I plan on ordering today off Amazon. It's Raw African Shea Butter Black Soap from Ghana.
I have had my experiences with faux African Black Soaps that really didn't do much for my skin. I found this particular product from a review given by Jazzi McG . It's not as pretty packaged as other Black Soaps, but it seems to do its job. I've also heard nothing but rave reviews from different friends who use the more authentic Black Soaps. I'm going to give it one more try, and hopefully it's another staple I can add to my regimen. I won't be able to always have the Clean & Clear Advantage Kit at hand in college. Money will be tight. So, I'm trying to make sure I find staple items at reasonable prices. Plus, I'd love to use more natural methods. Although, commercial products aren't terrible. C&C has been working quite well. I just want to explore my options to create the perfect regimen for my skin. I will definitely make sure I come back with a review on the soap.
Au Revoir!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
HIM
I don't know how to describe him...he's pretty amazing. Very. I had issues in the past with guys not supporting me and my dreams. This issue never occurs with him. He probably gets more excited than me when I tell him about school. No other guy has ever made me feel the way he does. Since when did I ask guys to come hang out? Since when do I giggle at chessy pet names? Since when do I genuinely laugh at jokes that would seem mediocre to the foreign ear? Since when do I express my feelings without hesitation? This is all so new to me. I have no idea how any of this will turn out with us living 5 hours away from wach other in about three three short weeks. Right now, all that matters is this. The rest will come as it may.
DISCLAIMER:
The background of my blog is courtesy of the amazing artist, Jackie Laryea. Here is the link to her blog post, The Vetruvian Woman, in which she describes the inspiration behind this drawing. The genuine nature of this piece reminds me of my perception of beauty. It's a true example of how I view myself. If you are an appreciator of visual art as I am, I advise you check her out!
Guess, Who's Back?!
Hey, blogger world! It's me again. I'm no longer Mocha as I was in my junior high days. It's just Amoni...Yeah, I like that. It kinda has a ring to it. If you stay long enough you'll find that I'm a rather random yet sweet young lady. I consider myself to be one of the nicest people you'll ever come across. I love everything about writing, music, jewelry, natural hair, books, and Law & Order: SVU. In terms of my style and taste, I'm pretty ol' school. Yet, I'm a forward thinker who is always looking for more innovative alernatives. I'm a recent high school graduate. In about 19 days, I'll be attending the lovely Spelman College . Go Jaguars! I'm an English/Creative Writing major. I have a bomb roommate/long-lost sister, and I'm sure you'll see her lovely face frequent the page once school starts. I'm too hype about my upcoming college life. Much has changed since our last encounter. I've experienced my first unsuccessful relationship with a douche bag boyfriend. Now, I find myself in a very happy relationship with the sweetest guy I have yet to meet. I'm learning of different ways to take care of myself, both spiritually and physically. This means not only watching what I put in/on my body, but realizing my happiness. Yes, I'm in a wonderful relationship, but this is not the focal point of my happiness. I'm happy knowing that I'm waking up as a woman of many blessings and opportunities. I'm happy knowing I am loved and carry love within me. I'm happy knowing that I'm me. I'm happy knowing that I have goals for myself that involve positively impacting the world, in hopes that it'll do the same for me.
Anyways, I wanted to start a blog that was geared towards more personal aspects. (Sidenote: The title of my blog is french for "Always Dream.") My personal blog on tumblr turned out to be more focused on my writing projects. So, I decided to create a space for me to just babble and rant about things that have nothing to do with poetry or short stories. Starting with my decision to get yarn braids! I've been thinking about them long enough. It's time for me to just do it like Nike. Ayyyyeeee! ( Okay, I need to stop that. ) So, I've been talking with a really good friend of mine about protective styles for my hair. I had really been thinking about getting a nice wig,which I still want to try out. But for some reason I feel the urgency to just try the yarn braids first. Then, I'll experiment with wig looks as protective styles. I'll be 3 years natural in November. I don't have a picture on my laptop of how I looked after my big chop in 08.'
This is the the current length of my afro with a twist-out, no blow-out
Not bad. I just always strive for more. Right now, I feel my hair could be greater in length and more vibrant. I'm still in the process of researching maintenance and styles. I really like the dramatic effect of waist length yarn braids, but I feel those that are just a little past shoulder length will be easier to style.
I'm really excited about my upcoming new look. I feel it's going to give me that college edge/rebellious look I want. (hehehe!) I'm giving myself six days to complete my scholarship essay. Then, I'm starting them around next weekend. I'm pretty sure those will take me a few days. Then again, my summer life is not so eventful, so I'm sure it won't be that long.
It's 8 AM, and I need to work more on that essay I previously mentioned. Plus, the lovie is coming over for a dinner date, and I need to make my abode look presentable. I'll chat with you guys later! Au revoir! :)
This is the the current length of my afro with a twist-out, no blow-out
I'm really excited about my upcoming new look. I feel it's going to give me that college edge/rebellious look I want. (hehehe!) I'm giving myself six days to complete my scholarship essay. Then, I'm starting them around next weekend. I'm pretty sure those will take me a few days. Then again, my summer life is not so eventful, so I'm sure it won't be that long.
It's 8 AM, and I need to work more on that essay I previously mentioned. Plus, the lovie is coming over for a dinner date, and I need to make my abode look presentable. I'll chat with you guys later! Au revoir! :)
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